texted mobile rapping - a log

texted mobile rapping between Ross Purchase & Gary Knapton in 2011: turned-based word association and singles;

I saw Quentin Tarantino read a copy of the Beano

in a Manchester casino with his chips on number three

I said “Comics come in handy

I myself prefer the Dandy

It’s a cracking little fly swat and can also kill a bee”.


Tarantino lost his chips and so was gouging salsa dips

that had been spiked with Esso four star from a well in Aberdeen once it got

smuggled in as cargo by a speeding Greta Garbo

and the Dangermouse voice-over guy who fancies Gary Breen


Gary Breen was doubled over in a crack house down in Dover

after four long lines of charlie and a big bowl of ice cream

R2D2’s squeaking catalized his ears to leaking

as he sped off on his Harley like his hero Barry Sheen

…...........


A Jew from Nova Scotia ate some meat that wasn’t Kosher

so he dipped his face in razor blades and severed half his tongue

then took a direct flight to Aston

broke his leg and got a cast on

after saving first half penalties from cup-tied Ashley Young


Ashley Young looked in the mirror

staring back he saw Godzilla eating tubes of polyfilla

after several vats of rum

the scoffing and the drinking and the thoughts the beast was thinking

started poor old Ashley shrinking to the size of Tom Thumb


Tom Thumb was in the shower humming songs like Fight The Power

when an infrastructure black-out pitched his bathroom into dark so then he

started touring Texas in a beige Toyota Lexus

and enrolled to do a PHD with Dr Miriam Stark


Miriam Stark was learning about butter and how churning

pulls ingredients together and allows the mix to set.

Armed with her new knowledge that she gained from Salford College

she skipped to have a butter scone with best friend Boba Fett


Postman Pat and Boba got geared up in Paul Smith clobber

proper sinking pints of Guinness watching Skins re-runs on Sky and big style

pigging on a hot cross bun when copperhead Anne Robinson

yelled “Boba, with six votes, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!”

…......

I’ve been flying round the quays with home-made jet packs on my knees

and I’ve got all the other joggers looking up at me in awe

so if I make it to the Odeon from my Abito podium

in eighteen seconds flat I’ll catch directors cuts of Saw

............

Lennie Godber playing Judo beating Reverend Green from Cluedo

who had teamed up with the keyboard man from Ocean Colour Scene.

He’d just been sacked before the break up and was

doing hair & make-up for a lady boy who looked like

Helen Mirren in The Queen.

...........

type-pad rhythm sent to Staurt Lovegrove in 2005/2006 and again between Ross Purchase and I in 2011;

........

texted mobile rapping is a symptom of the century

like London-style androgeny and mid-week lotto wins

apply the birch then go to church

was how our rich ancestral heritage

made off with all the potency of decadent sins

......

i'm downing Stella with a fella who thinks

Dont Look Back in Anger was an A. LLoyd Webber musical that closed in '93

and starred Si Cowell in a towel

and a geezer from New Delhi who was once banged up for mincing

like a killer queen bee

.....

I saw Bill Gates at Brighton station camping off like Larry Grayson

with a facial-pierced up skin-head of a bloke who was his bird

I said "hey, d'ya need a hand Bill ?"

but he fell into the landfill with his

flabbergasted boyfriend screaming "Microsoft Word!!!"

.....

us local Preston villagers are nowt but rape n pillagers

we're slicing up the sea front

it's a game of cat and mouse

with the police units still tagging us and

national press still slagging us

we're dancing with the Brighton lads to mega-hard house

.....

that ain't rapping that's phone-key tapping

now i'm blowing up your mouth i'm like something else

i'm getting silly like Billy Jean King

my rap's frilly

and I'm snorting as i'm walking eating tuna melts

.....

i'm sat with Paddy the Jihadi and three bombers from the Palestine

they're sinking jugs of hot mulled wine and kneeling down on felt and

praying frantically to Mecca

dulcet tones of Carol Decker mean his iPod wire

is wrapped around his dynamite belt

.....

i'm well bushed up like Skippy

and my head is pretty flippy

one mo I'm having breakfast in a cafe with Mum

next, I'm flying over Preston

on an old spaghetti Western coloured log

with Charlton Heston

on a banging bass drum

.....

submissive is the man. pester!

i'm floating i'm in Manchester

the ganja boat at fourth canal still bangs out afro weed

it's good it's bad it's filthy trippy

i'm in rainbow playing zippy

i'm the old man in the village on a wrap of bad speed

....

Between Ross Purchase and I in 2011;

....

Friends of Isaac Newton sat round talking to a toucan

on the vanishing of Lucan and the way things used to be.

I'm observing all these misfits with their coffee and their biscuits

and it seems amongst their favourites is a crunchy Rich Tea!

I'm sat with Jedward, Noel Coward, Cher, JR and Russell Howard,

Tim Brooke-Taylor, Lester Piggott and that bird who works with Jo.

We're playing bingo, speaking Latin, sending Morse code to Mike Gatting

who got blitzed last night in Wetherspoons with Tore Andre Flo

Leeds fan Gary Knapton in a Rolls Royce parked in Clapton

wearing purple crotchless panties and a peek-a-boo bra

sat there dreaming of the old days slipping back into his old ways

and remembering his anger at the sale of Cantona!

your next door neighbour Hector is a Nazi Hannibal Lecter

who's been turning all the women into human organ toast

and so my spine received a shiver when Camilla lost her liver

and it hit the Quay House specials board as Danish Sunday roast

I'm down in Joseph Fritzl's cellar tied to MP David Mellor

and our bodies move in tandem as we try to fray the knot

Will I ever leave this basement ?

Am I Joseph's new replacement ?

And I'm lost in my confusion in a land that time forgot!

I made my hair look pretty and went up to Shopping City

there's a two-for-one on Kevlar vests at Poundland in the mall

then descended on The Emirates with other Leeds degenerates

and pulverized the North Bank with a bullet-proof ball

My next door neighbour Brian came round snarling like a lion

I was blasting out Kasabian and banging on the wall

I said "I think you'd better leave it, mate. It's 5pm it isn't late

I'll smash your two front teeth in son you're riding for a fall!"

Read All About It! Shaun Ryder formed a band called Manc Al Qaeda

playing Wrote For Luck in Ordsall with his drug-fuelled dosser chums

believing he can get to heaven if he does a 9/11

flying Semtex Subway sandwiches into the Salford slums

to be continued....